Repost: Why Life is a "Practice."

Mistakes are a part of life. Stop demanding perfection from yourself and just keep trying.

I thought this week would be a good time to revisit my first post on what I call this journal “Practicing Life.” I hope it provides a good explanation as to why I consider everything we do in life, and therefore life itself, to be a practice. I hope you enjoy.

There are different metaphors used to describe life. “A journey,” “a highway,” “a school.” 

For me, while all those certainly can apply, the one that works best for me is “practice.” Life is a practice. We are all practicing at life.

A good working definition of “practice” under Google’s Oxford’s languages definitions is “the performance of an activity or exercise of a skill repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency.”

In the end, what is life, if not the opportunity given to a person each day, and dare I say, in each moment, to improve one’s proficiency in something? I mean, which of us isn’t always trying to improve in some way? There are physical improvements such as appearance, weight loss, or physical conditioning - all very important. Then there is professional improvement: trying to improve one’s career or present position at work. Perhaps make more money, or obtain a promotion or new position. Maybe in the sense of relationships, a person is trying to find a partner, or improve upon a relationship they already have, whether it be with a spouse, partner, child, sibling or parent.

Then there are the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of life.  We go to school, read or listen to other people so as to learn more and improve our knowledge base and perspective. Some of us might seek out counseling or therapy to learn how better to deal with our emotions or traumas.  And maybe we attend a religious institution or engage is some spiritual practice in order to perhaps “become a better person” or better grasp our understanding of life.

Whatever it may be, I think the point is clear: what is life if not a constant and persistent effort and attempt to improve in some way at some aspect or part of our life?

At 53 years of age, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to improve - in multiple ways and in multiple aspects of my life. Many will be recounted and discussed in these writings. But what I didn’t see until recently was that these efforts to improve are really best seen as being a “practice” and not a “journey,” or “school.”

So why is that?

Because when we define life as a “practice,” we are actually able to be more kind to ourselves, and more gentle in our self-analysis when things don’t work out “well” or the way we wanted them to. See, when we are practicing something, we do so with the idea that we are learning and trying to improve.  We are not expecting to be perfect and, in a time of practice, we give ourselves the opportunity to make mistakes as part of the process and effort of trying to improve.  So if we view life as a ongoing practice, we can then maybe give ourselves the space and self-compassion to make mistakes while hopefully seeking improvement from those mistakes.

The importance of self compassion must not be underestimated. Countless spiritual gurus, therapists and leaders in the fields of self-help and transformation all stress the importance of self compassion. Self compassion results in increased happiness, decreased stress and it allows us to be more kind to those people around us like our children, life partners and friends. In other words, self compassion not only benefits ourselves, but also those close to us.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have personal expectations or set personal goals to achieve. It also doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold ourselves to personal standards or have self-discipline to guide our conduct. I’m not advocating that there should be no accountability. Thinking of life as “a practice” is not intended to absolve people of all responsibility for mistakes made. Yes, mistakes are a part of learning and they can be the stepping stones for improvement.  But the related principle is that you must personally own and acknowledge the consequences of the mistakes that are made.  If a mistake has negative consequences such that it endangers or causes harm to yourself or others, you should own that mistake and that its potential negative and adverse consequences could be significant. There are consequences for every decision, some big and some small, and those must be recognized, acknowledged and accepted.

Importantly, having self-discipline and personal accountability and providing ourselves self-compassion are mutually exclusive concepts. You can hold yourself to standards, have self accountability and be disciplined in your approach to whatever you are doing, whether it be dieting, exercise or being a parent, while at the same time having kindness and self-compassion for yourself when you make a mistake.

An example that demonstrates why looking at life as a “practice” works well is when you consider the phrases “the practice of law” or “the practice of medicine.” Why are those considered “practices?”  One reason they are referred to as a “practice” is because they are areas of knowledge and skill that involve constant attention, reflection, and evolution. The best lawyers and medical providers understand that their respective practices are never stagnant. Rather, changing times and circumstances create developments and changes in these fields that require continuing education classes to learn, hone and practice skills as the professional also changes and adapts to evolve with their respective professional areas.

One cannot get much more similar to life than that.  It’s not an exaggeration to say that life is full of changes, developments, creations and challenges that require our constant attention, reflection and evolution to handle and adapt to the best of our abilities.

Now that I’ve explained why I think “life as a practice,” makes sense, let’s take a look at why, in my opinion, some of the other common “life is a ___” metaphors or similes may not work as well.

First, there is the metaphor that life is a journey, road traveled or trip. Whichever the variation, it is that life is a process that is akin to traveling or progressing from one point to another. But inherent in the definitions of a “journey,” “road” or “trip” is the notion that a person is on a linear path and headed towards reaching a destination, goal or end point. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but once you reach that goal or end point, then what? What’s next? Are your efforts over? And how often do we ever really attain true mastery of something to the point where we can say that we’ve truly reached the destination or end point of the journey?

Anyone who has trained in the martial arts knows that you spend significant time and effort to earn one’s black belt - usually the highest rank one can achieve. But at the same time, people who’ve trained also are familiar with the adage that one’s training and learning doesn't really begin to start until you earn your black belt. So this demonstrates how the destination or goal really isn’t the true end point. It’s just the beginning. So, when you think in those terms, life, or anything else we do, is anything but a linear journey with a final destination. There is always room to learn and improve. To go further in one’s training, knowledge or skill base.

I also don’t particularly care for the “school of life “ metaphor. In a school, there is a set curriculum and there are grades by which one’s performance is judged.  With those two concepts in play, I’m sure most of us have experienced schools as a place where you are required to learn certain lessons at certain set times and mistakes result in negative outcomes like bad or maybe even failing grades.

What an unkind and pressure-based way of looking at life! We all have our lessons to learn, but just as we all are different, so too are the lessons that need to be learned, when and how. And to reiterate: mistakes are opportunities to learn something and from which to improve. In school, you make a mistake on a test, and your grade goes down. Make too many mistakes and you might fail the test. Too many failed tests and you might fail the class or out of school completely! No one wants to fail out of life, although when you look at life with these parameters, it can easily feel like we are. And that can lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness. Like we can’t do anything right.

On the other hand, if you make a mistake in a practice, say, you strike out in baseball practice…What next? You don’t fail practice! You get back after it and work on your swing techniques, without the consequence of there being an actual game or outcome on the line. In practice, you can seek to improve and hone your skills and abilities without the pressure of needing to be perfect or “on point.” 

I’m sure most of us have heard the phrase “practice makes perfect.” While the intention of that phrase is a positive one: keep working towards improvement, truly, none of us are ever perfect.  In fact, we are all imperfect in our own ways. And if we look at life as a continual practice, it removes the pressure we feel to be perfect in any given moment. And connected with the removal of that pressure to be mistake-free is the burden or upset we might feel when we make the inevitable mistake.

Life is full of missed shots and chances, opportunities and slips.  All of that is expected and acceptable, then we are “practicing life” and not thinking of life in terms of earning a passing or failing grade or making the winning shot or goal.

The point of practicing is to want or to intend to make improvements. If you do something long enough and mentally commit to improving oneself in the process, you will improve, even a little. Sure, it may take us a while and perhaps even making the same mistakes repeatedly to get a decision-making process down or to develop the skills to handle some personal conflict. Heck, in my own life, I’ve got lots of experience in making the same mistakes over and over again. But there needs to be a desire for improvement.  We should want to get better. We should be invested in our improvement.

Practice is a process towards reaching different accomplishments. But because it is a practice, we can give ourselves the space and self compassion to accept the reality that we will not always attain the goal we want. But that is okay and people need the permission to engage in their own personal process. Sure, mistakes can be messy. There is nothing wrong with juking instead of jiving, taking a left turn instead of a right. Again, so long as no harm or imminent danger comes to you or someone else, there is little issue with making a mistake. If we stay focused on the practice itself and not on reaching some goal, hopefully we can be kinder to ourselves in our daily lives when things don’t work out exactly as they seem.

So join me as I pull back the curtain of my own efforts at practicing life. I will share stories and insights I’ve learned along the way including many about mistakes and failures and owning those and how my shift in perspective to seeing life as a practice has, in fact, made my way of living life better. It is my hope that by shedding light on what I’ve learned while “practicing life,” I’ll help make your own practice of life more informed and filled with a little bit more wisdom and self-compassion. In turn, my hope is that you, the reader, will perhaps have an easier practice of your own, or perhaps, have comfort knowing that you are not alone in some of the more difficult lessons learned while practicing life.

Be well.