Fire and Rain
Reflections on 24 years of marriage.
This weekend I celebrate 24 years being married to my wonderful, beautiful wife. As I reflect on our marriage, what resonates with me are the refrain lyrics in a hit song by the great singer/songwriter James Taylor called “Fire and Rain.” If you haven’t heard it, I urge you to give it a listen. The song’s refrain is:
“I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I’d see you again.”
Twenty-four years after my wife and I exchanged vows in front of friends and family on a beautiful, sunny, warm Friday evening, our future filled with anticipation and hope, I can look back and say that we’ve seen a lot of fire and rain. Both as individuals and as a couple. And what I also know is that the fire and rain have made us into the undeniably strong couple and people that we are today.
When I think of “fire,” I think of times filled with strong emotions: love, joy, sadness, anger, fear, bewilderment and courage. I think of those times when my wife and I faced adversity as a couple and prevailed. I think of times when we were scared beyond words as we hoped and prayed in each other’s arms that our child would survive a health crisis. I think of the other countless times that we faced difficulty and uncertainty with resilience and perseverance, doing so standing side by side no longer focused on the trivial or mundane.
From fire comes inferno heat: a powerful force with the ability of melting, reshaping and then forging steel. And I know our marriage has been melted, reshaped and forged like a steel blade over and over. The trials and tribulations of the fires we’ve faced have redefined us, recommitted us and caused us to see what it is that truly matters. And we are better for it. As individuals and as a couple.
When I think of “rain,” I think of tears of happiness and sadness. The tears of sadness upon hearing a diagnosis and the tears of joy of hearing the words “remission” and “no signs of recurrent disease.” I think of pouring water like that from a baptismal fountain that washed away the rust on a marriage that had become stale, to reveal a beautiful, crisply colorful and radiant new marriage with each of us recommitting ourselves to each other and the tenants of integrity and authenticity.
I’ve seen “sunny days I thought would never end.” The birth of our two amazing sons. The day we moved into our “forever home” that, 20 years later, is still our home and where we raised our family. The day I saw the boys smile with boundless, innocent love and happiness at ages 4 and 6 when I brought home Macey, our beloved first golden retriever who gifted us with 13 glorious years of loyal and unconditional love. The day we brought home our second golden, Abbey, to keep Macey company and the boys learned that love multiplies infinitely and that there is no end to amount of love you can give to living creatures. The day I was made Partner in my current law firm. And you know what? All those days had my wife by my side. Had she not been, the sun wouldn't have shone as bright those days without sharing its glow with her.
To be honest, in the past 24 years, I’ve been fortunate to not see “lonely times when I could not find a friend.” And that’s also because my wife has been with me, side by side, walking into whatever fire I was facing in that moment. The day I came home and cried in my wife’s arms after a particularly traumatic EMS call when I pulled a victim from a burning car. The long sleepless days spent in the hospital hoping, praying. The day I asked the vet to let Macey sleep for eternity so she would feel no more pain. Never did I feel alone and it was because of the connection and bond to my amazing wife who dropped everything to be by my side the entire time. Through those difficult times and by experiencing my wife help me, I learned new depths to the word “selflessness.”
“But I always thought that I’d see you again.” I think many times early on in our marriage, speaking for myself only, I took my wife and our relationship for granted. That she and we would always be there. After all, we had recited “till death do us part.”
But after seeing other couples break, and after 911 calls to homes where a spouse came home to find their husband or wife dead on the floor, that’s no longer the case. It hasn’t been for years. Each day together is a gift. Each day is an opportunity to learn more about who my wife really is and to love her even more for who she is. And she is open to watching me grow and develop into who I am.
I am hardly some relationship guru. I am a husband who has made plenty of mistakes. The hard reality is that many of us, myself included, come into a relationship or marriage having experienced countless traumas in our lives, especially as children. I don’t necessarily just mean traumas with a capital “T,” although those certainly matter. I mean small “t” traumas that are seemingly “normal” events, but ones that left us feeling unloved, lonely, imperfect. And many of those traumas are unresolved, meaning we don’t even realize we are dealing with the aftermath of those events. Because we either don’t even remember them or look at them through the eyes of an adult that thinks ”no big deal,” without any understanding of the consequences they had at the time on our undeveloped psyche.
With all of that said, it is very safe to say, I entered into our marriage a person who didn’t know I had all these unresolved emotions and feelings of lack and self doubt. I thought I was rock solid emotionally because I had become a pro at tucking away what bothered me into the recesses of my heart and mind. But the reality was that I was an emotional infant. At 28 years old, the day I said “I do,” I had really very little idea how to “do”: how to take care of myself, let alone a woman who was looking for me to be her knight in shining armor. I was no prince. I was bumbling Shrek.
But there is no practice more insightful and more worthwhile than trying to be a good partner in a close, deep relationship. It is a practice of patience, humility, integrity, balance of self and other, acceptance, rejection, trial and error. It is a practice of wanting to do the work. It is the practice of actually putting in the time and effort to enable growth and development through the recognition and acknowledgement that we make mistakes, despite our best efforts and owning that process and its consequences.
In addition, it is a practice of forgiveness. Forgiveness of your partner when they make a mistake, and probably just as important: forgiveness of yourself when you make a mistake. Because if you don’t forgive yourself, you will end up believing and convincing yourself that you are not good enough or worthy, which will subconsciously cause you to do crappy things to prove your personal self assessment accurate. Ask me how I know this to be true. So you need to practice forgiveness.
In the end, after 24 years, what I’ve learned through my practice of marriage, is that I wake up each day thankful for the opportunity to earn the love and respect of my wife. I also hope to model to our boys that being in a loving relationship isn’t about showing up perfectly each day, but rather, it is about showing up and putting in the effort to make sure your partner knows that they matter.
And, at least in my experience, this practice never stops. It never ends. Because once we become complacent or stop trying, that’s when relationships start to become stale and start to build the rust and dust of something that simply isn’t progressing any more.
It’s not always easy. Sure, there are ebbs and flows and sometimes you might feel closer and sometimes you might feel further a part. The outcome isn’t always guaranteed. Sometimes you can put all it takes into a relationship and for whatever reason, it doesn’t work out. But, after 24 years of living, laughing, crying and growing with the most amazing woman I’ve met, I believe that if you keep practicing the virtues of patience, acceptance, integrity, authenticity, humility and forgiveness, you will keep your relationship alive and your love growing. And you can face anything that comes your way, including fire and rain.
Be well.